Someone else’s shoes…


If you had to move to a new country and start from scratch, would you not expect your life to be upside down and inside out? Would you not expect things to take time to settle? Would you not expect to be frustrated? Would you go mad at times?  Would you not feel isolated if you only knew one person in the whole country? Would you not be depressed at times? If you were also newly married, would you not expect your marriage to be affected by all of this? Would you not expect extra disagreements, frustrations, and fights with your spouse despite them doing their best to help you through it? Would this spouse not also feel frustrated at times? Would this not also lead to disagreements and more stress? I think: YES to all of the above!

I am a bit irritated today. Over the weekend, I celebrated my sister’s birthday. I planned to treat her to a nice lunch but instead she treated me to some negative and harsh criticism which really annoyed me. Perhaps my life is not where it should be at 30 years of age but it is hardly that bad either! Perhaps my marriage is not as great as it should be in the early years but read the paragraph above and understand why! When I got married, I knew I would have a few uphill years as immigrating is tough. My husband did not speak ANY English and none of his education or work experience was going to be carried over in a direct way. We both knew he would be starting life from the bottom. We both knew it would be hard for him and hard for us-socially, emotionally, financially, physically, and more! We have to fight just to get to zero. Others had their whole lives to get to where they are.

Now, considering all this, I think my sister should be a bit more understanding and I am angry at her for throwing daggers at me. I would like to see her marry someone and move to some place like Russia or Iran where she does not speak the language, the culture is different, she cannot read or write the alphabet, is not familiar with the geography, and she is suddenly demoted to the bottom. Would she cope well? Would she always be a perfect spouse or would she have fights with and carry some resentment towards her spouse? Knowing her, I think she would not last half a year! Thus, I resent her judgement and her assumptions.

I have been incredibly strong-as has my husband although he has not always coped well but again read paragraph one-and I feel that my sister should be proud of how committed we both are to our marriage not spend her time with me attacking me. We are not disposing of our marriage as times get tough but we are working on it and through our issues. Each month we are making progress in our marriage and in our lives in general. Do people not realize that sometimes you have to work towards a good thing and not just take the shortest route? Is my commitment not something to be admired? Should a spouse not stand by their partner when they are going through a hard time? Sure, my husband has not been a perfect prince this last year (nor have I been a model spouse at times) and my sister did witness us at lows. But, I married this person because I feel I had a wonderful relationship with them. We took it to the next level and when he immigrated here, chaos seemed to ensue. Is it not reasonable to realize much of it is situational? Now that things are improving, is this a time to throw daggers? I have to say that I am disappointed. I hope her comments are coming from a place of love but I am finding hard to see it that way right now. Thus, my above rant. I also have to keep in perspective that she may not be happy with her own life at this time and birthdays do bring that out for some people. After her comments, I made it clear to her that no one would choose to spend time with someone who disrespects them for no reason. So, she had better learn to say only nice things or say nothing at all.


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